This is not a plea for help! I know I have friends and family, some of whom care for me!!

Let me try to explain. I have lived alone for over 10 years, sole human occupant of my house. The exceptions have been been friends on holiday. The exception to that exception was a friend, I invited for 3 weeks and it turned into about 4 months – but that was a pleasure and he is a good friend. Ok that was the humans taken care of.

For 2 years, I shared a house with a cat that went blind, who followed me most places, especially towards the kitchen and food bowl. On her passing, I experienced quite an intense feeling of loss of a spirit within the house. Trouble didn’t miaow much and made no noise but her absence on passing was palpable. The house felt empty. These last 8 years, I have shared the house with Sara, my dog. She is omnipresent, asleep on a couch or in the shade by the house and always there, ready for a biscuit when I open a beer. Sara is adorable, barks seldom, wags often but has little aura or presence that Trouble had. Maybe she is a contented soul and just sends positive waves. Cats I still link with witches and magic craft. Look in their eyes and tell me it is not true. Sara’s deep brown eyes only reflect warmth, love and give me a biscuit.

To try to explain, just 2 nights ago, I was eating my dinner, watching YouTube trivia on my IPad and I had this thought “They/she/he will be home soon” . I had no clue who, how many would be “home”. Just the sense that I was sharing the house with someone. It is not mine alone!

Trying to rationalise, I was married and living with a partner for almost 40 years. I have not lived with anyone for 10 years. I don’t feel that it is one of exes coming “home” – not sure I would welcome that either. This is just one example: some times I turn around expecting to see someone. When I wake in the morning, before I focus, my thoughts occasionally seem to be in the plural. When I try to question who the “other” is I have no clarity. Nothing rationale about who I desire to be in the house. Just that someone is coming soon.

The main affect on my life in the mornings is that I often wear pants (underwear for Americans) when I drink my coffee and read the news. I continue to be clothed for the rest of the day. But these thoughts of someone being near occur often. Not fearful or worrying thoughts but someone is either here or will be here.

I have sort of ruled out ghosts, the house is new and no one died building it. It is built on rock, not an old churchyard. Possibly, my psyche is so trained in that I had a partner for so many years, it alerts me falsely. But this house is new and I never shared it. Surely, even an old dog like me could have accepted the situation by now.

Perhaps deep down, I crave to share my life with someone. The feeling occurs most often with coffee and dinner, both times amenable to company and conversation. However, I would have thought the craving would have attached a name or face so I would understand. I can suggest a candidate or two from my fantasies but reality rules them out.

If the feeling becomes more frequent and intensifies, I guess I should include the Grim Reaper! But he will not want to share the house with me, rather spirit me away.

Perhaps I should submit to my worries, pour a second coffee or lay a second setting for dinner and see who shows up.

PS My daughter thinks early dementia!