I have said before that as, as an adult, I have spent most of my life with a female partner. Not alone.

The breakdown of my last marriage was difficult as I had retired and given up my daily association and responsibilities with my work friends and colleagues. My total world was now invested in that one person. In hindsight, that was a mistake as “Something was (sic) rotten in the state of Denmark”. And some hidden truths emerged which tipped a broken machine.

Anyway, it is about these currents days, but I set the scene.

I am unused to living alone, but I have struggled my way through to a reasonable equilibrium. Most days are average and tolerable, some are really good and the rest just suck!

Average and tolerable days mean little social contact, I accomplish tasks and feel sufficiently rewarded. Total conversation may only be with the Checkout people In shops, only leaving the house to shop or walk the dog. Internet/messaging may be involved, but unlikely I have made video calls. This is the norm.

Good days, involve conversation, mixing with people, accomplishing tasks (cleaning down my white board) and just being positive and saying that was a good day.

Suck days! Well deduct all the above from 18 hours awake and you end up with emptiness. These days do happen, not so often as I try to manage my life to prevent these troughs.

But today has been very weird and worrying. I have a new chat friend and we texted for a while. Fairly meaningless and non-sexual but nice to converse. An electrician found time and solved a difficult problem. Also completed 3 wash loads of clothes. I visited the optician and ordered new glasses which should arrive before I go on holiday. Met a friend for drinks this evening.

So social contact, tasks completed, unexpected successes. I keep telling myself that it was a good day. But I have this thing in my mind. I should have talked to HER. There is no her, unless it is my Mother who left us 10 months ago. I am also uncertain it must be a Her.

I write this to try and sort my mind, but sadly I am no closer. Normally I broadcast my thoughts via FB, but this one I will just publish knowing few will read – unless I have the settings wrong!!

Looking back, this week has been good, it has rained, plants are sprouting, I have good friends, have met them, accomplished things but something just seems missing.

Hopefully I find the piece/peace