I am sitting with my last bottle of French Burgundy – sadly some of my friends recently visited, complained about the lack of my wine stocks, as they emptied the reserves, bottle by bottle!  I should note that French Burgundy, for me, is now an extravagance not a way life as it was.

But that is not the problem, rather the inspiration. Tonight’s dinner was French Onion Soup, which was a new adventure: both risky and interesting.  The interest was that I had never made it before, the risk – it is one of partner’s favourite dishes!  To do it badly, would be to fail myself and worse, fail in my eyes in front of my partner.  But I think, I carried it off!  So I am feeling content and mellow (see Burgundy), also reflective.  Maybe a little more loved?

I am currently very happily hosting some old friends, who I haven’t seen for nearly 20 years.  They seem just the same and it is almost like yesterday that we were together.  For me, perhaps better than before but then I used to work!  Now, I am not so prepossessed, less angst and more time to enjoy things in life.

In a couple of days, these friends end their holiday with me and then just two days later, I leave the island for two weeks! So it is amazing for me (!) that I can spend half a day cooking Onion Soup rather than having worries about leaving in five days!  The Old Me would be fretting so much more.

The Old Me, (I am so much younger now –  mentally) would be so worried about this trip, catching planes, etc…  I share a lot with him, but I can feel my stress levels are a lot lower. I am resigned to missing my connecting flight and will deal with it at the time.  OK, I have tested 3 pairs of jeans today – 2 fit!   Maybe a little early, but I haven’t worn long trousers very often here.

So where is the reluctance?  I love my life, the tempo, the place, the people, my dawg. To exchange that for getting in a metal tube, possibly full of screaming children, dumping me in a centre for stressed out people (an international airport), navigate my way through to the country of my birth, probably to be met with an arrogant son of a beach (was that right?) asking me what nationality passport I carry (it happened last time!).  I used to love travelling by plane, now I fear it.

Perhaps, I used to travel as a break from an intensive work regime and was excited about the break.  Now, I love where I live and the contents of my daily life. So I don’t want to leave it!

But, but but!  What will I gain?  I will see my Mum, just back from a Cruise, complaining of bags under her eyes, from a good night life, at the age of 92 young!  I will see one of my brothers and his partner before they take a big break.  A brother, who I always admired but was rather separate from my life. Thankfully we are closer these days. [My older brother, should he read this, was always there for me and supported me so well.  It’s just nice bonding with the other one!]

This has been chronological in my itinerary: I will of course see my kids, my darling daughter and my very cool son.   And my Grandson, Owen – amazing kid on Skype, is he real?  And my kids’ partners – wow! I am so lucky they made such good choices!

I will get to drink English beer, eat some very good food of different styles (England does great food these days!!), my partner will join me and I hope to excite her about the newer London. I will meet old work colleagues from the 1970s (not zombies) and I will travel to see my dear friends in Frankfurt, where I spent almost 20 years.

I guess it is the inertia, to gain momentum to move. To pack, to empty the fridge and fill the rubbish bin.  To arrange a dog host etc.  Once I move past these, not forgetting the sad farewell to my best friend at the airport, I will endure my encapsulated transit and then begin the adventure of my family and distant (faraway) friends.

I guess, I will love my time with my family, I will return a much happier person for having made the trip. But I feel no island fever, I love my island!  BUT, I can already imagine the hugs and the pulls on my heart-strings as I meet and leave my family and friends.

Perhaps, I am frightened of the emotion that my trip will involve?  That is something, I can do little to prepare for.  Except pack extra hankies!

So sorry family and friends, if I have a soggy hankie!

But I’m leaving on a jet plane …….