You can learn so much, even at my older age.  It can just be very surprising where you learn it from and how you learn it.

I have, over the last year and a bit, had my confidence badly hit, suffered quite some depression,  found my way and the enjoyment of life. But one thing that has always escaped me has been confidence and belief in myself.

This may appear laughable to many of my friends and acquaintances as they probably have seen me as loud and self confident.  As I discovered, through years of personality tests to improve/gain management skills, I am an introvert who hides his inadequacies through bluff and bluster.  Internally, especially when working, this led  to significant stress in leading a team and making decisions.  In hindsight, I feel confident enough to say I did a fair job.

Privately I have very little self belief and self worth.  I agreed with a close friend recently that I have come to always try to help everyone, sometimes letting people take advantage of me, only reacting when it starts to hurt.  That largely is a fine attitude as I believe in people, the innate goodness of friends and acquaintances.  So I seldom suffer and I coast blissfully along. Perhaps one day I will place my trust too foolishly.

But I think I am actually scared of life, it has hurt me too often.  I can be scared of missing a plane or train, should I ring a front door bell if people are not expecting me, … all sort of trivia.  I try to plan to make sure the unexpected does not happen so I can deal with it.  But with almost every event, a dinner invitation, a meeting, more serious events like replying to a legal letter, I over react.  I over think and become preoccupied.

For the more serious matters, this is good: for the less critical, sometimes I become blasé and then turn up late.  This is crazy!  Mr Punctuality, never late, who turns up always too early for planes and trains is now late.  Perhaps, I am trying to kick back and not always be the one waiting.

So I should look at a watch and manage my time better.  Easy!  But the self confidence thing is harder.  Tonight I realised I have a new Guru!  My blind cat.

I was sitting on my roof terrace,  before midnight reflecting upon some issues, when I heard a scratching noise. Yup, it was the blind cat, who had crossed between the house and apartment (some 10 metres and two sets of steps) found the staircase and the settee I was sitting on and started to sharpen her claws.  Then she jumped up onto the back of the settee and sat smelling the good information carried down to her by the trade winds.

I have realised that I would be still sitting on my patio in a blind panic, fearful of walking out into the dark, never mind climb to heights and then jump onto a ledge. Yet the blind cat, of little brain but incredible appetite, could do this and then sit with a posture of bliss and happiness to smell/discover what was happening in the street upwind.

In such times of political uncertainty, continuing legal wrangles and personal development, perhaps we should listen to a blind cat.  To have the confidence to start, to feel your way forward, to take a tumble and recover but especially to still understand the beauty around you, even if it is just the smell of beauty.

However, licking your bum should remain as an option.