This is not about my divorce!  However, I must admit that the word was mentioned by a few friends in connection with my divorce and that set me thinking.   But since our separation I never felt trapped by my marriage but more by my thoughts, fears and those pesky voices!

The song that keeps coming to my mind in relation to Freedom is Janis Joplin’s  “Me and Bobby McGee”.  I looked up the words and, sadly, I don’t think they tell me much! “Freedom’s just another word for nothin’ left to lose”. Or do they?

The types of Freedom that come to mind are many and varied.  They range from the thoughts in my head that were spinning there as Rusty rattled down the road,  “I don’t have to wear a seatbelt on this island” and “I can drink and drive legally”.  Whilst those of the Health and Safety Brigade would take issue with these freedoms, and I don’t blame them, I was more concerned that Rusty has no cupholders to put my beer bottle in when I drive.  Being a manual car, you have to remember to keep the beer in the gear change hand as turning a corner  with beer in the other hand can lead to spillage.

Okay, that was facetious but had to be said!  The greater freedoms are those coming with being retired and living on this island.  I no longer have the responsibility to go to work to earn a wage to support my future.  Of course, at various stages in my life that included supporting a partner and my children.   So there was a significant loss of independence and putting your nose to the millstone, sucking up the bad times and dealing with it.

Working became such an integral part of my life that I think I lost the ability to actively live my life except in the context of a working week, weekends and holiday days off.  I didn’t really have any other hobbies or pastimes to focus upon, just work.  I remember one holiday where I was passed my  itinerary as the plane left Frankfurt.  My only involvement to that point in the trip to Thailand was selecting a hire car model.

So now I am retired, I have an income and I can do what I want with my days.  But I am not that well prepared to occupy myself and feel satisfied with my use of time.  I often feel frustrated that I have wasted the day doing so little.  But am I being fair to myself?  What’s wrong with putting something off until tomorrow.  As long as it doesn’t hurt anyone else, why not?

The island offers so many opportunities to exercise my freedom!  The active side – in my case done at a very relaxed pace – of swimming, scuba, a little sailing, exploring the Park and the differing landscapes I feel should be done with more enthusiasm.  I should be exhausted and tired each day by the time I go to bed as there is so much to do.  Perhaps, I am exercising a freedom in being lethargic and lazy?

I could actively invest myself more in my friends, arranging to see them more often, hosting more events at home, writing more letters or mails or even blogs?  But  I have become single minded, often focusing on one issue and letting others slide.  When people reach out to me, I embrace their offer. Should I reach out more, being free to use my time as I wish with little restraints.  I think so and I should work on this.

But going back to not working.  There is so much more that comes with this if you are financially secure.  When working, you count the days when you are free.  Most aren’t.  Your calendar when you look at it is blocked by working days with occasional days off.  I don’t think I have truly realised, yet, that I own my life now.  My calendar is 99% mine with little blocked on it.  I have given up the idea of planning (well, I’m trying hard) and life should just go with the flow.  This is probably a good idea as it means I am less likely to forget things if I don’t have things to forget.

A tragic example is that one night, as I was digging through the fridge to see what to cook that night, my phone rang and some very good friends said “We will meet you at the restaurant at 19:00.”  They were taking me out to dinner that night to say thanks for looking after their house in their absence on holiday and I had forgotten!!

So I have money (enough), I have all the time in the world, I have friends and loved ones and I have the freedom of choice to combine these into a perfect life.  What I need is to make sure that I use these blessings in the best possible way and enjoy everything.  So many others have either not made it this far, are still trapped with little choices as they don’t have the magic ingredients yet or will never have them.

But perhaps my biggest freedom of all is that I feel happy in myself.  For some months, I was very black and despondent.  As I recovered, I feared for my future, still basing it upon certain models and standards of life.    However, once you start to appreciate the things that really matter, friends and loved ones, you realise you can find happiness with a lot less baggage.

So, Janis, my Dear (and she has been so important in the last 45+ plus years), I beg to differ.  I am happy to lose so much and yet still be able to enjoy my freedom.  But I cannot lose my time, my friends and loved ones and still be free!