For all those people who know me.  I am moderately arrogant, confident, I hope friendly, occasionally argumentative, especially when drink has been taken.  Probably a good and helpful, loyal friend. This is how I think  that others perceive me.

One of my nieces posted something a while ago about being frightened inside when everyone else thinks you are a confident person.  That really resonated with me because that is me. How do I know?

Two years ago, I spent 14 weeks visiting the dentist to have my back teeth repaired as I grind them at night. I had basically destroyed all my molars and the reconstruction was lengthy and painful. That was enough to grind my teeth as I am petrified of the dentist. That is a physical sign of my inner weakness.

I have always been a person who becomes very tense and short tempered of challenges that lie ahead.  These could be as simple as a party where I do not know anyone or it could be the sleepness night before I had to give an awkward appraisal or annual report.  I find recently that even the process of renewing my residency permit requires me to buckle down, focus and commit. This is just to leave the house.  Once I get there, I have often spent so much time in thought and preparation that it goes well.  I drive home full of endorphins, buzzing, saying to myself, be proud.

I have inner Voices and we talk a lot.  Entering a room of strangers, a business meeting where I had to chair or perform, we talked a lot.  They still keep talking. Sometimes we talk in unison, building up the ego, often, so very often, especially in a quiet moment, they remind me of my fears, my doubts, keep me worried. In my career, they would be the ones affected by alcohol and lead me astray!

Since I retired I have become a lot calmer.  I felt once I moved here, to my rock under the sun, that stress was no longer a problem. I had to reduce my heart medication as it was too powerful.  We all know what happened next!  The meds are back at full strength but I am coping OK.

But the Voices!  I live in a beautiful place but the Voices!  I have seen people in a comtemplative mood, just staring at the view, or at someone and they appear fully absorbed.  I truly wish that I could just zone out and find their apparent peace.

Recently I was with friends on their roof terrace and we watched a truly beautiful sunset.  My camera like part of my brain, snapped the image, generated endorphins, brought a smile to my face, a comment to my tongue and then woke up those little bastards!  “Is this the last good one you will see?”.  “The Flat in Frankfurt has no view”.  “Can you afford to ship your belongings?”  “Will anyone understand your lousy German?”

This is not a new thing.  My life has always been like that.  But the Voices and I were busy with a job which I immersed myself in.  The Voices are experts in Project Management and sundry other skills.  However, I think they are Crack addicts, they never sleep, they need no rest. They have no retirement age.

I can dull the Voices with Computer Games, watching a film, good conversation with friends but they are always just behind that door.  At the moment, they are on my shoulder, helping me write this blog. But we are working in harmony towards a goal.

What do I wish? I wish the Voices could find the beauty of life around me.  The sunsets, the lovely friends I have, the quiet moments to enjoy a book together. Maybe we could find a partner for our life and they could tell me how lucky I am.  To start with, they could just be a little more supportive and tell me what a beautiful day it is and tomorrow will be better.

Until then, if I look a little occupied or distracted, the Voices and I are still arguing!